


I want you closer to me.

by AnnaBanana91



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hurt Alec, Other, Parabatai, a bit of angst, all the feels, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 22:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11746158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaBanana91/pseuds/AnnaBanana91
Summary: After what happenes between him and Magnus, Alec makes his way up to the roof. He needs some time to think, but can't focus. Of course he ends up not being alone up there, and his mind flickers between the past and the present.My version to what might have happened after 2x18 - I hope you'll like it :)





	I want you closer to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys and thank you for looking up my work :)  
> It's been a while - but I just couldn't keep away since season 2 of Shadowhunters is just.... asfhfdadgfSH you know?  
> So many mixed feelings about 2x18 - we all dies because of the sexy, romantic Malec and then we died because of the pain of Malec in the end.. Yeah .
> 
> Anyway, I just wanted to write this down and share it with you guys - this version of Alec is quite different from the one I would "use" (?) when I'm writing Alec from the books. But yeah, it was very interesting to do, I hope you'll like it.  
> Please don't feel shy to leave a comment or something! 
> 
> Take care,  
> Alt er love. <3

“I thought I might find you up here,” Jace said as he took another step towards Alec.  
He could still remember the last time they’d been up here together; after Clary had told him to _feel_ something.  
Alec had found him up here, feeling everything. The time before that, Jace had been the one to find Alec, shooting arrows at everything and everyone.  
This time though, Alec was mostly walking back and forth, hands clenching every few seconds. Jace wasn’t entirely sure if Alec had heard him or not, but the extreme pounding in his chest told him more than he needed to know.  
“Alec?”  
“I _said_ I needed a minute,” Alec almost snapped at him, but he wouldn’t look up at Jace, he just kept on pacing with his head bowed, pulling his hair.  
Jaec watched him. Through their bond he could feel how torned Alec felt - unfocused and clearly stressed out and upset about something.  
“Max is okay you know..,” Jace tried, still waiting for Alec to stop and look at him. But he would give him space, if that’s what he needed. For now.  
Still pacing. Uneven breaths and hands above his head.  
“You’re hurting. What’s wrong?”  
“I said I need - need a minute,” Alec mumbled again, his voice smaller and a bit shaky.  
Jace sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. Alec was stubborn. Like the rest of the Lightwoods. Like Jace. But he was also Jace’s parabatai and he hated to see Alec like this. He bit his lip, shook his head and walked closer to Alec.  
“Hey,” Jace said, softer this time and reached out to place his hand on Alec’s arm, making him stop.  
Still no eye contact, instead Alec was looking down at where he and Jace were touching.  
“Isabelle told me you and Magnus - “  
At that, Alec’s head snapped up and Jace was met by red, unfocused brown eyes, almost begging for something.  
He watched Alec struggle to push down some tears, turning away his gaze once more.  
“Alec. It’s me,” Jace said reassuringly, searching Alec’s eyes.  
“I can’t.. - I can’t focus.” Alec whispered as a tear escaped. He quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand and tried to take a deep breath, but it got stuck in his throat.  
He broke free from Jace’s grip on him and started pacing again.  
“I don’t know what to _do_ , “ Alec groaned over and over and buried his head in his hands “I don’t know - “  
“Sit down,” Jace interrupted him and pointed at one of the stone benches  
“I’ll help you. It’s okay.” He watched Alec shake his head. It really was everything but okay.  
Alec could still hear Magnus’s words before he walked away and he had felt so confused. And yet, a part of him understood what Magnus meant. It didn’t make it any less painful though.

Just a few seconds after the elevator doors had shut, Jace and Clary had been walking up to him, asking about Max and Alec felt Jace’s worry and confusion. Max was fine, what was Alec doing outside with teary eyes?  
“Is Max okay?” Jace asked and looked towards the closed door. “I thought - “  
“Jace? Are you okay?” Maryse said as she opened the door, her head turning to look at Alec as well. “Max has been asking for you.”  
Alec nodded and watched Jace disappear after his mother, leaving him and Clary alone. He could feel her watching him but didn’t meet her eyes.  
“Is everything okay, you seem -”  
“I’m fine.”  
“Right… What are we going to do about Sebastian? Or, Jonathan?”  
Alec sighed and tried to clear his mind. The world wouldn’t stop spinning, even if his had for a couple of minutes. He swallowed back the lump in his throat.  
“I guess we should - “ but he didn’t have the chance to finish before the door where Max layed opened again, Jace being followed by Isabelle and Robert.  
“We need to have a meeting. Now.” Jace declared and looked at Alec who nodded and cleared his throat.  
“My office, 15 minutes.”  
“Fifteen? Alec, I understand that you are still shaken about everything that happened to Max, but Sebastian could be anywhere right now.” Clary said, Jace looking at her.  
“The longer we wait to go after him - “  
Alec tried his best to not roll his eyes at her. She was right, but Alec already knew that, it wasn’t news to any of them.  
“He tried to kill our little brother Clary, “ Isabelle said “I would gladly kill him right away but - “  
“I need a minute.” Alec said and looked away. “You do whatever you want, I’ll catch up in fifteen.”  
He turned away and hurried around the corner, knowing that he had three pair of eyes watching him intensely. He needed some air.  
Alec had made his way up to the roof; there he would be alone and hopefully the fresh air would help a bit. It didn’t, not really.  
Instead, he felt more unfocused and panic started to creep up on him, because no matter how hard he tried the air wouldn’t make it’s way down his lungs.  
The burning in his throat was in the way.

“I always knew I couldn’t have what I wanted. Until you came along.”

He thought back at that night and felt nauseous about the fact that once again, that’s where life had taken him. Back to where he started but in a slightly different way. So much for love, huh? A stinging feeling on his right hand pulled him back to reality and he looked down. He’d been scratching himself this whole time without noticing. A voice called his name. Jace.  
“Come on, sit down.”  
He sank down on the bench with Jace kneeling in front of him.  
“We need to find - find Sebastian, I should - “  
“We will. But not right now,” Jace said and took Alec’s left hand, placing it over his heart.  
“You feel that?”  
Alec nodded.  
“We’ll do it together, focus, you and me. Okay?”  
Jace watched him and took a slow, deep breath and Alec closed his eyes. The pounding in his head and all his thoughts screamed at him, but in all this, he tried to focus on his parabatai’s breathing and heartbeat, knowing that it was beating with his own as well. Jace taking the lead, trying to slow Alec’s down the best he could.  
Another breath, a slow, shaky one for Alec and then another one. Neither of them knew for how long they’d been sitting like this, but eventually, time slowed down a little, just like Alec’s thoughts. They were still there, he could still feel everything, but now they were more in the background somehow.  
Every once in awhile, Alec could feel Jace’s reassuring touch on him and he breathed out a long breath, almost as if he hadn’t know that he’d been holding it in. With that breath came a tear, of sorrow or relief Alec wasn’t sure but it didn’t matter. He opened his eyes and noticed Jace do the same.  
“Thank you.”  
“Always.”  
Jace squeezed Alec’s shoulder and Alec gave him a small smile as he watched the other sit down beside him.  
“So.. You want to tell me what happened?”  
“I messed up.”  
“With Magnus?” Jace asked carefully and Alec nodded, leaning forward so his elbows was resting on his knees.  
“I knew I would..”  
“Hey, stop that. It’s not true and you know it.”  
“I didn’t tell him about the Soul Sword when I found out - “  
“You did that to protect him Alec, we both know that.”  
Alec swallowed and looked to Jace.  
“He thinks I’m being dishonest.”  
Jace sighed and shook his head. He had made it very clear to Magnus, that he would never let anyone hurt Alec. And yet, here they were. Jace was going to find him and -  
“Don’t.” Alec interrupted his thoughts.  
“Don’t what?”  
“I know what you’re thinking. I - I can’t say I blame him, I just… So much for love, huh?” Alec said and gave his parabatai a small, sad smile.  
“Yeah…” Jace mumbled. Neither one of them had been very lucky on that front, for different reasons. But Alec had been happy, happier than Jace had seen him in years and he’d grown so much in his own skin, in his role as a leader and to see him just fall like this was extremely painful and sad.  
“I’m sure there’s something you can do though,”  
Alec bit on his bottom lip and raised his eyebrows tiredly.  
“So did I but… We’re from two different worlds. It was doomed from the start really. I just - I just didn’t care, I just wanted to be with him - “ he swallowed hard and sniffled.  
“I just needed a minute.”  
Jace nodded in silence and put his hand on Alec’s.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Yeah, me too.”


End file.
